Dear Ms. Kern,

I am a businesswoman and I entertain my clients in restaurants on a regular basis, many of whom are men. Some of my older male clients seem to be uncomfortable having me pay the bill. What can I do to make them feel more comfortable?

Also, some of them insist on having me lead into the restaurant and helping me with my chair. I find this touching, but I am the hostess, they are my guests and this is a business situation. How can I nicely let them know that this is not necessary?

J.P., San Francisco, CA

Dear J.P.,

To answer your first question, I will quote from my booklet, Tips on Modern American Dining Etiquette under the heading Business Lunch in a Restaurant, Tip No. 85 states,

"Either arrive early at the restaurant and give the maitre d’ your credit card instructing him to add the tip (15% at an average restaurant, 20% at a fine restaurant) or give your credit card number over the phone when you call to make your reservation. By doing this, you will avoid having to deal with money matters when you have more important things to discuss."

Actually this is a good "tip" whether you are a businesswoman or a businessman who is entertaining in a restaurant. It is always a little awkward to have to pay a bill in front of your clients.

Your second question is asked frequently by businesswomen, especially when they are dealing with older men who were raised to perform the little niceties for women. Again, I will quote from my booklet in answering your question. Tip No. 91 states, "In a purely social situation, the lady always precedes the gentleman (following the maitre d’) into the restaurant to assure that she gets the best seat at the table.

However, if a businesswoman invites a businessman to be her guest at lunch, he should precede her into the restaurant so that he gets the best seat. If your male guest is not comfortable with this arrangement (some men are still delightfully chivalrous), do not make a scene. Remember that life is short and be happy that you are entertaining a gentleman!"

Tip No. 92, "If you, a businesswoman, are entertaining a businessman at lunch and he wants to help you with your chair, again, accept his offer. Do not snap at him that you can do it yourself! He knows that you can get into your chair on your own, but his mother trained him to be a gentleman and he cannot forget his upbringing even in a business situation. Smile and thank him and then, after the usual pleasantries, get down to business!"

When women first entered the work force as professionals, some of them felt that men were being condescending towards them and treating them like girls! In an effort to assert their equality, some of these women resented the little social gestures that men made towards them and told the men to treat them like one of the guys.

Professional women have been in the work force long enough now that they can feel accepted as equals with men and can be gracious towards them if they want to offer the social curtesies.

R.K.

Dear Ms. Kern,

I am hosting a dinner in a restaurant for some clients and their wives. I want everything to go well, but I have never done this before and I am a little nervous. There will be ten of us altogether. Should I have a fixed meal or let everyone order from the menu? Should I order wine for the group and if so, what wine? Any suggestions you could make would be most appreciated.

M.F., Cincinnati, OH

Dear M.F.,

A group of ten people is still small enough for everyone to order what he or she wants from the menu. If your group were much larger, I would definitely suggest that you have a fixed menu otherwise a great deal of time would be lost in just ordering food.

I will give you a few "tips" about entertaining in restaurants by quoting from my booklet under the heading, Business Dinner in Restaurant. Tip No. 208 states, "If the restaurant has a strict dress code, make sure that your guest(s) knows what that code is."

Believe me, nothing can start the evening off on the wrong foot more than having your guests arrive inappropriately dressed for the restaurant where they are going to be dining. My husband and I entertained one of his clients and her husband at a fine restaurant in Chicago a few years ago. My husband did not think to mention that this restaurant had a "jacket and tie" policy for the men and his client did not think to ask.

Her husband showed up at the restaurant without either a jacket or a tie because it was casual Friday at his office! Needless to say, things were a bit tense at first as the maitre d’ had to scurry around getting a jacket and tie for the gentleman!

Also, when hosting a dinner at a restaurant, Tip No. 219 states, "You, the host, should arrive before the designated time to assure that your guest is not waiting for you."

Be sure to make it clear to your guest or guests where you are going to meet each other the night of your dinner. If the restaurant has a nice bar area, you could tell your guests to meet you there. When all, or at least the majority, of your guests have arrived, you might want to be shown to your table. Be sure that you, as the host, rise to greet any late arriving guests and show them where you would like them to sit. Introduce them to the other guests if they do not know them.

Another "tip", Tip No. 22l, "If you are hosting a large group, you should precede them into the restaurant and sit at the head of the table. You may also want to tell your guests where you would like them to sit at the table, giving them the best seats, of course."

By sitting at the head of the table, it will be easier for you to deal with the waiter which is your responsibility when you are the host. If one of your guests needs something, you signal the waiter to come to your table.

As the host, it is also your responsibility to put your napkin on your lap as soon as all your guests have arrived and been seated. It is you who should start each course also. In a dining situation in America in a private home, the hostess is the one to follow, but in a business situation in a restaurant, the person who is hosting the event is the one to follow, whether it is a man or a woman.

As far as ordering wine for your guests is concerned, ask your guests if they want wine with their meal before you order any. Some people like to drink wine with dinner, others would be just as happy with a cocktail or a soft drink. Let your guests tell you what they want to drink. Remember a good host tries to please his guests in every way.

Good luck with your dinner party!

R.K.

Dear Ms. Kern,

I am a businesswoman. I know that when I am in a business situation, I rise and shake hands with whomever I am meeting. My question is, when I am in a purely social situation, such as dining with my husband in a restaurant, and a business associate comes over to our table, do I need to rise to shake his hand or may I remain seated?

S.P., Wayne, PA

Dear S.P.,

You are correct, in modern America, a businesswoman rises and shakes hands just as a businessman has always done. However, in a social situation, a lady does not need to rise when a gentleman or even another lady comes over to her table where she is seated.

A gentleman, however, should not only rise and shake hands when he is introduced or greets another gentleman or lady, but should also remain standing as long as the other party or parties are standing by your table conversing with you.

Remember in business situations, there are women and men, but in social situations, there are ladies and gentlemen. Sometimes the distinctions blur, but there are different codes of behavior for each situation.

Enjoy being a businesswoman by day and a lady by night!

R.K.

[email protected]