Dear Ms. Kern,

I am planning a twenty fifth anniversary party for my sister and her husband. Instead of gifts, I would like all the guests to contribute money to send them on a dream vacation. They have never had the opportunity to go someplace really wonderful.

How do I word this request on the invitation?

H.L., Miami, FL

Dear H.L.,

Etiquette dictates that it is never proper to ask for gifts or money in an invitation no matter what the occasion!!

However, if your guests ask what they can buy for your sister’s and her husband’s wedding anniversary, you may let them know that some of the guests are giving money which will be put towards a dream vacation for the couple.

R.K.

Dear Ms. Kern,

I have searched the internet for information about this, but I was unable to find an answer to my question. When I saw that you have an etiquette column on the web, I was delighted. I hope you can help me.

Next week my father is celebrating his 70^th birthday and we are planning a special party for him. My question is when do we offer a toast to him? Is it before the meal and if so, is it before or after grace is said? Or should we toast him before or during dessert? Please help!

S.P., Las Vegas, Nevada

Dear S.P.,

At a wedding reception, the Best Man generally offers the first toast to the couple, after the clergyman has said grace and before the meal begins.

However, at a birthday party or any formal dinner with a guest of honor, as in your case, your clergyman may offer grace before the meal begins, then, to quote from my booklet, Tips on Modern American Dining Etiquette under the heading Very Formal Multi-course Dinner Complete with Guest(s) of Honor and Finger Bowls!, Tip No. 262 states,

"After all the guests have been seated, the host/hostess should rise to formally welcome everyone. A welcoming toast may be offered at this time."

Then Tip No. 309, "After all of the guests have been served their desserts and champagne, the host/hostess should rise and toast his guest(s) of honor."

Tip No. 311, "Other guests may wish to offer a toast to the guest(s) of honor at this point. These toasts are offered with champagne glass in hand. Hopefully the dessert won’t melt and nobody is too long winded!"

Tip No. 312, "If there are several toasts, the champagne glasses may have to be refilled many times. What fun!"

Tip No. 313, "The guests should not start eating their desserts until after all of the toasts have been made!!"

Tip No. 314, "The guest(s) of honor does not drink a toast to himself!"

Tip No. 315, "After all the toasts have been made, the guest(s) of honor has an obligation to rise and express his gratitude to his host for having this reception (party in your case) for him and to drink a toast to him. The host does not drink a toast to himself!"

Tip No. 316, "Everyone may now dig in and eat his dessert!"

The welcoming toast at the beginning of the meal is merely to welcome your guests to the party. The real toasting (or roasting, if that is what you are planning) begins after the meal but before the dessert is eaten.

Have a great party for your dad and offer my congratulations to him also!!

R.K.

Hello,

I am a senior at the University of Illinois, Champaign, IL and presently taking a Speech 300 class. The subject for our next speech is Dining Etiquette. I have chosen to speak on the subject of "dinner conversation."

If you could send me information about what is considered proper dinner conversation, I would greatly appreciate it.

C. H., Champaign, IL

Dear C.H,

What a great subject, Dining Etiquette!! Be sure to tell your teacher about my web site and about my booklet and video on "modern American dining etiquette."

In answer to your question about proper dinner conversation, the usual things such as religion, politics such as Washington sex scandals or anything else which would be controversial and destroy the harmony of the dinner should be avoided.

As far as good topics to discuss at dinner is concerned, that depends on the interests and experiences of your fellow diners. The husband of one of my girlfriends always seeks me out at dinner parties and at other social events because he knows that I read the Wall Street Journal religiously, as does he. He asks me if I am following "such and such" story and what I think about it. Other people often join our conversation and give their opinions as well.

Discussing your traveling experiences are always good topics at dinner, especially if your fellow diners have also traveled to some of the same places that you have or to other interesting places. Often we have lively and wonderful dinner conversations with our guests about our traveling experiences.

Also, discussing the latest exhibit at your local art museum can be interesting for your fellow diners. We have the Art Institute here in Chicago and I rarely miss a major exhibit that is shown there. I also try to see the minor ones which are sometimes just as interesting, if not more so, than the ones that get all the press and attention. I study the exhibits and learn as much as I can for my own information, but my knowledge also makes interesting dinner conversation with fellow art lovers.

Books or movies can be great topics at dinner especially if the book or movie is unique in some way. When the movie, The Age of Innocence was being shown at the movie theaters, I saw it, loved it, bought the book, read it and then proceeded to OD on other Edith Wharton books for awhile. I understand that Elizabeth Shue is going to star in the film version of Edith Wharton’s, The House of Mirth. I can’t wait until that movie comes out!!

It is important to remember that good dinner conversation and indeed, conversation in general, should be shared. A monolog by one diner, no matter how informed or humorous gets boring after awhile. The Duchess of Windsor was considered to be a great conversationalist, but her real talent was encouraging others (especially the Duke!) to talk by listening attentively, making good eye contact with the speaker and asking appropriate questions at the right time.

Good luck with your speech. Let me know how it turns out.

R.K.

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