Dear Ms. Kern,

We have been invited to an engagement party for my niece who is to be married in about a year. There will be a bridal shower for her also closer to the wedding date. Are we expected to give a present for the engagement party, the shower and the wedding? There is some grumbling about this in the family. Please help!

K.C. Davenport, Iowa

Dear K.C.,

There is a lot of confusion about the gift-giving-etiquette for an engagement party judging from the amount of e-mail questions I get on this subject. I will answer you by quoting from my booklet, Tips on Modern American Wedding Etiquette under the heading, The Engagement Party, Tip No. 28 states,

"In the past, elaborate engagement parties were held for the young couple wherein the couple’s extended family, friends and the friends of the couple’s parents were officially told of the engagement."

Tip No. 29, "In modern America, engagement parties are not the norm, but they are sometimes given."

Engagement parties are apparently becoming more common than they had been.

Then, Tip No. 33 states, "A gift is not expected at an engagement party!" A token gift is sometimes brought to the engagement party, however. I believe that my husband and I brought a bottle of champagne to the young couple at the last engagement party we attended.

A gift is not expected when a wedding announcement is sent either. The people receiving the announcement, however, should feel honored that the newly married couple wanted them to know about their marriage. They should either call the couple or send a lovely wedding card congratulating them on their marriage.

Technically, a gift is not necessary if you are invited to a bridal shower or a wedding and you are unable to go. However, most people who are invited to showers and weddings do send gifts even if they cannot attend the event.

I hope this clears up the confusion about the etiquette for an engagement party so everyone can relax and enjoy the party!!

R.K.

Dear Ms. Kern,

Our son is to be married in the city where he and his fiancee work. With the exception of their co-workers, everyone who will be attending the wedding will be coming from out of town. We will, of course, host the rehearsal dinner, but are we expected to invite everyone who has traveled a distance to this dinner?

S.B., Nashville, TN

Dear S.B.,

No! In modern America this "far away from one’s hometown" wedding is not uncommon. People are meeting each other and falling in love after college at their first job which is often a distance from either of the couple’s hometown.

If the bride is young, in her 20’s, she may still have close ties to her hometown and want to go there for her wedding. If, however, the bride is in her 30’s or older, she may have lost all touch with anyone with whom she grew up and prefer to get married where she has been living most recently.

The rehearsal dinner need only include the wedding party and the close relatives of the couple. The clergyman and his wife, if he has one, may also be asked to the rehearsal dinner as a courtesy.

To quote from my booklet under the heading, The Rehearsal Dinner, Tip No. 122 states, "Since the groom’s parents are paying for the dinner, they may make it as formal or informal as they would like it to be."

If you wish to make the dinner formal, I have a diagram in my booklet which shows who sits where at the dinner. One of my sons had a formal rehearsal dinner with the table in a "U" shape and the other son and his bride chose to have their rehearsal dinner at a pizza restaurant!

If the rehearsal dinner is going to be restricted to the wedding party, close relatives, etc., the bride and groom may want to meet their other friends after the dinner for a nightcap or something.

Have fun at your son’s wedding and be sure to bring your hankie.

R.K.

Dear Ruth,

Our daughter is getting married and we want to have her friends at the wedding, but most of them are still single. Our invitation list is starting to get out of hand; do we have to allow each of her single friends to invite a "guest" to the wedding?

K.K., Durham, NC

Dear K.K.,

The rule about inviting a single person is, if a person is engaged, living with someone or has been going with the same person for a long time, both people are invited not only to weddings, but also to other social occasions as if they were a married couple.

Each single person who is invited should receive his or her own wedding invitation. The only exception is when the couple is living together, one invitation may be sent to them. The name of the woman should be written first on the invitation and then under her name should be the name of the man.

If some of the single people ask if they might bring a date to the wedding, you need to politely tell them that this is not possible because of the large number of people who will be attending the wedding. You might also wish to tell them that there will be other single people at the wedding. Sometimes people meet at weddings, fall in love and get married themselves. You never know!

R.K.