Questions about American Etiquette from International People
Dear Ms. Kern,
I am a German/American about sixty plus years old who grew up in Germany. Recently I went into an office in Chicago and the receptionist, who was probably younger than my daughter, addressed me by my first name! What is wrong with Americans that they cannot address a person properly with a title such as Mr., Mrs., or Ms.?
K.R.
Lake Forest, IL
Dear K.R.,
America, as you know, is The Great Democracy! Our country was founded on the belief that, "All men are created equal." In the last thirty years or so, we have become very casual in America in every way – our manner of dress, our morals and our etiquette! Some people, myself included, would say that we have become too casual about some of these things.
I assure you, however, that the receptionist who addressed you by your first name did not mean to insult you. She was born and brought up at a time when the rules of social behavior in America were much less formal than they were in Germany when you were growing up or even here in America when I was growing up.
I was taught to address my elders by an honorific, to stand when one of my parents’ friends entered the room and to be polite to everyone. Hopefully some of these social graces will re-enter our American society in the near future.
I am actually optimistic that we are slowly, but surely, entering a more refined and elegant time in America. The interest that some Americans now have in learning the rules of American dining etiquette, wedding etiquette, glove etiquette, etc. has given me hope that we will soon become a little more gracious and, perhaps formal, in our dealings with others.
In the meantime, do not be insulted by our "casualness." Welcome to America!
Ruth Kern
Dear Ms. Kern,
I am so glad that you wrote your booklet on modern American dining etiquette. I grew up in Madrid and we were taught very strict rules of behavior at the table and in other social situations.
My husband and I love this country and its warm, friendly people, but we are very surprised by some of the things we see. For example, we were at the Ambria restaurant in Chicago the other evening. There was an American couple sitting near us who were well dressed and very proper in their behavior, but at the end of the meal, they asked their waiter for a "doggie bag" to take some of the food home that they could not eat.
Why do Americans always ask for "doggie bags"? I find this practice very tacky. Please explain it to me.
M.W.
Chicago, IL
Dear M.W.
Your question about "doggie bags" really took me by surprise. The practice is so common in America and has been for as long as I can remember, that I never gave it a second thought.
I have asked several of my friends for their opinions on why we Americans ask for doggie bags and I have come up with several good reasons:
Recently I did a seminar at the Richard Honquest Fine Furniture store in Barrington, IL. The subject of this seminar was, The Origins of Modern American Etiquette. This "doggie bag" idea did not originate in America, but rather in Rome during the sixth-century B.C. during the reign of Tarqunius Superbus who was the seventh and last king of Rome.
The Romans used a very large napkin called a serviette. At the end of a banquet, the guests were expected to wrap delicacies from the meal in their serviettes to take home. It was considered an insult to your host to depart without some of the food because it implied that you did not like it.
There is nothing new under the sun!
Ruth Kern
Dear Ms. Kern,
The American style of eating has always fascinated me. I grew up in France and our way of eating seems to be so much more efficient. Why do you put your knives down and go through all that elaborate changing the fork from your left hand to your right before you eat your food?
I have to admit that the American style does slow down the eating process which, as a chef, I appreciate. I take a long time to prepare the food that I serve in my restaurant and I want people to savor it and eat it slowly. French people eat too rapidly. Of course, many Americans do too I have observed in spite of their fork changing habit.
P.P.
Arlington Height, IL
Dear P.P.,
When I was growing up in America, I was taught, partly by observation and partly by word, the American style of eating and never questioned it until I started eating meals with my European friends whom I met as an adult.
When I started studying etiquette, I came across George Washington’s Rules of Courtesy & Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation. One of George’s 110 rules was, "Put not your fork to your mouth with your knife in your hand." George Washington wrote these rules in his school notebook when he only 15 years old. When they were discovered among his things, it was thought at first that he had devised the rules himself.
It was later learned that he had gotten his inspiration about the rules from an English etiquette book which was written about 1640. The source of many of those rules was from a French etiquette book which was written even earlier. George had changed the language of the rules from the English etiquette book to be current for his day, but the basic content was the same as that from the earlier book.
When the use of forks first came into practice, it was apparently considered vulgar in Europe to use the fork while one was still holding his knife in his hand. George Washington had learned his etiquette from his English ancestors who, no doubt, followed the rules of dining etiquette from the English etiquette book of 1640.
In the 18th century the French nobility, as a way of distinguishing themselves from the common people, decreed that using a fork was the only proper way to eat one’s food and the etiquette books of the time told exactly how one should deal with the knife and fork. Apparently the French thought that putting their knives down before putting their forks to their mouths was too time consuming. After all, they had all that cake to eat!
Americans were, of course, busy declaring their independence from England and establishing a new nation during the late 18th century. The French etiquette books describing the proper way to eat one’s food either never made it across the ocean or, if they did, the Americans may have rejected the French rules because they were written by the aristocracy and for the aristocracy. America was the land of equality for all men!
There are some very prominent people who are teaching etiquette in America these days who are trying to tell Americans that our style of eating is not as sophisticated and polished as the European style. I say, that if it was good enough for George to put his knife down before he put his fork to his mouth, it is good enough for me! I have no intention of changing my style of eating or of apologizing for it. Besides, it does slow down the diner and look very elegant if done properly.
Ruth Kern
Questions Americans ask about International Etiquette
Dear Ms. Kern,
I am going to Columbia next semester to study at the University. I will be staying in a private home that has live-in maids. I have heard that there are misunderstandings that occur when American students stay in homes in South America where there are maids.
My mother has a lady who comes in once a week to do the cleaning and ironing, but she does not live with us. My mother pays her well and respects her for the hard work that she does.
What is the proper etiquette when dealing with a maid in a South American home?
B.R.
Flemington, N.J.
Dear B.R.,
You have heard correctly! Because of our beliefs about democracy in this country and our desire to give respect and equal opportunity to all people, we really do not understand how people in other countries treat their help.
When I was a young woman, my husband and I and our two sons went to live in St. Croix in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Almost every day a woman would come to my villa asking to be my maid. Since I was very able bodied, I did not feel the need to have a maid.
However, I was told by a friend, that I should hire a maid because the women who want this position are very poor and desperately need money. I hired an older woman who had come to St. Croix from Trinidad. She lived in with us and at first was a very hard worker. She watched my children when I went out, she cleaned my villa and she cooked for us.
Because I am an American, I guess, and because my mother would eat lunch with her cleaning lady, I invited this woman to eat her meals with our family. That, as it turned out, was a very big mistake! This woman assumed that I did not know how to treat a servant and ended up taking advantage of me until I was finally forced to fire her.
If you have any doubts about how to treat the maids in the home where you will be staying, ask the senora. Remember that you are a guest in someone’s home and the host family sets the rules for proper behavior towards the servants. The servants are employed by the family to serve the family. They are not considered equals, they do not take their meals with the family, they are not introduced to you or your friends as if they were peers.
This may be difficult for you, as an American, to understand or accept, but, "When in Rome…" and all that.
Ruth Kern
Dear Ms. Kern,
I will be visiting Manila in January and staying in a private home. I want to show my gratitude to the host and hostess for allowing me to stay with them. Should I bring a hostess gift when I arrive, send one after I leave or take them out for dinner in a fine restaurant?
B.N.
Houston, Texas
Dear B.N.,
Actually, you could do all three and not be overdoing it. Bring a token gift with you when you arrive. Perhaps there is something that you can buy in your town which cannot be purchased in Manila. If there are children in the family, it is always a good idea to bring something for them.
If the host family will allow you to treat them to a dinner in a fine restaurant, this would be a lovely gesture on your part since, I assume, you will be taking most of your meals in their home.
After you get back to your home, at the very least, you should send a lovely thank you note to the family thanking them for their hospitality. You could accompany the note with flowers sent to their home. They will be happy to invite you back.
Ruth Kern
Dear Ms. Kern,
My girlfriend and I will be going to France next year. I have heard that the French people do not like Americans and refuse to speak English even if they know the language. Is this true and should I learn to speak French before we travel there? I had some French in high school, but I am very rusty.
C.T.
Piqua, OH
Dear C.T.,
Don’t believe everything you hear! I had heard the same generalization before I and some girlfriends went to France a few years ago, but believe me when I tell you, the French people went out of their way to be nice to us.
Knowing some of the language, however, will help you whether in France or anywhere else where English is not the mother tongue. I had spent my four years in high school studying Latin which was a help with the grammatical aspects of the French language when I took a course in French the year before I traveled there. I had always wanted to learn the language, so this was a great motivation to do so.
Two of the other women with whom I was traveling also knew something of the French language. In Paris, it really was not necessary to speak French, but once we got out of Paris, our knowledge of French became more important. Many of the people do know some English, but they do not speak it on a regular basis, so they are rusty with their skills at speaking English.
We found the French were honored that we had attempted to learn their language and were not afraid to speak whatever English they knew once they had heard us try to speak their language. The French are very proud of their beautiful language and I think that they are afraid to speak English, even if they know it, because they assume that we are equally proud of our language and would be offended if they did not pronounce the words properly.
Most of us actually love to hear English spoken with a French accent, especially by a French man. It sounds like Maurice Chivalier in Gigi or something.
Have fun in France and be sure to see Monet’s garden.
Ruth Kern